Take Back The Net - Read Stories

Read Stories
Shatter The Silence™ Through Storytelling

Thanks to all who have shared their personal stories. Together, our stories will help our world work toward eliminating sexual violence.

*Disclaimer: The opinions expressed in the below postings are solely those of the writers and not Take Back the Night. All names have been changed in order to comply with confidentiality issues. The below postings are not edited except where content could be construed as overly lurid or explicit. Readers, however, should be aware that some postings contain very graphic descriptions of sexual assault.

Posted 3.13.08

58 years old in Colorado Springs, CO
I'd been separated and divorced for 2 years. I had met other men at Happy Hour. No I didn't sleep with any of them on the first night. We only exchanged phone numbers over a few drinks.

I graduated from a fine university with a Psychology degree. I said goodbye to my adult kids and grandkids and moved to Colorado for the job prospects.

I was lonely, looking for a job, missing my kids, and thought a boy friend might ease my transition. Friday night I went to Happy Hour at a nice downtown restaurant and bar. The bar had mirrors behind it that were shaped into arches. I met a man, Mike was his name. He bought me a drink. We visited and decided to walk to a nightclub that had a live band beginning at 9:00.

By 9:30 we were dancing. By 9:40 it was too late. "Would you like to come over to my house, just to snuggle a little?" Lets finish our drinks first Mike said as he wrote down his address on a cocktail napkin. To this day I have issues about napkins. When we danced, the dance floor was crowded, but it seemed like he was standing a long ways away from me. As I followed him to his house, it seemed like he was driving very slowly, his car not quite in the proper lanes.

I'm feeling lightheaded but the cool night air cleared my head enough for me to refuse a glass of wine at his house. I woke up nude, curled up in a ball all the way over on the other side of the bed. I grabbed my clothes off the floor, threw up in the bathroom; and in fight or flight, fled from Mike's house. I'd been date raped.

Next morning, I threw up again and missed my neices' birthday party. When I told my sister why I was late getting home, it never occurred to me I'd been date raped. It never occurred to me I should remember the sex. Three weeks later I remembered how much it hurt when Mike raped me; my jaw hurt, I couldn't breathe because he was so heavy lying on top of me,and the searing pain when he used me like a dog.

Eleven years later, I'm still in therapy. I now know I'm not a slut. I'm a worthy, intelligent woman who did nothing wrong. When Mike slipped a drug into my wine, he changed my life forever. He stole my body, my soul, my heart and my inalienable right to say NO. Now when my mask is removed, I still hate mirrors, have issues with napkins, have a difficult time sitting in a bar with my husband, have a tough time trusting, and have flashbacks.

But even on my arduous days, I am proud to make my own choices concerning food and drink. I'm TBTN.

Posted 3.11.08

21 years old in Storm Lake, IA
I am a 21 year old college student who has just recently shared with my family that I was sexually abused for 8 years of my childhood. The sexual abuse started when I was 4 years old by my Great Uncle on my mom's side of the family. It lasted until I was approximately 11 or 12 years old. This has taken its toll on me emotionally, physically, and mentally. I went through a period of cutting myself when I was 13 until I was 18. I was a very frustrated and angry child. I can proudly say I have not cut myself for over 2 years now. I did not tell my secret to any one until I got engaged to my fiancé. The reasons why I didn’t tell my secret varies from because I was scared to the fact that my father farmed his farmland. That farm land helped make up 1/3 of our household income. I also did not want to burden my family with this issue and felt it would be better if I just kept it in. However, during premarital counseling I realized that was not a healthy way to live. When I told my parents and family members about the sexual abuse we decided to pursue criminal and civil actions. In the beginning of the criminal trial we got my uncle, my abuser, to admit to sexually abusing me. He confessed in a letter he wrote to me apologizing for what he did and he also verbally confessed to my mother and to the police; both confessions were recorded!! However, he is pleading not guilty and has drug this trial out for now almost 2 years. I have really good lawyers but he always seems to keep winning. I am frustrated because it seems he is always getting his way; shouldn’t it be the other way around? I AM the victim HE IS the abuser! He is a wealthy man and I fear he may be doing some 'under-the-table business' with people concerning the case. Not only do I fear that but every one seems to be going easy on him because of his age. He was 66 when he abused me and is currently 86 years old. I do not feel that he should get an easier punishment, if any thing, I feel he should get a harsher one for he should have known better. Also, we are not suing him for what he could do in the future but for what he has already done in the past!! I just am so angry because the law has allowed a person who has confessed 3 times of his sexual abuse and yet he is still walking the streets 2 YEARS AFTER it was brought to the authorities’ attention. I am writing you this in hopes that maybe I might be able to shed some light on not only sexual abuse and its effects, but how the justice system seems to deal with offenders, or lack there of. I am also hoping you could help me in some way, some how, with my case. I have begun to feel that bringing this out into the open has been a mistake due to the lack of results I have seen. I do not want to feel that telling this secret has been pointless, however, I cannot help but to feel that way for I have not seen the law punish him for his crimes he has committed. I want to get some justice; I feel it is only fair. I am permanently scared by his actions and have to live and deal with what has happened to me for the rest of my life. Why should he get off scot-free while I have to serve a life sentence? I do not know what to do any more....

UPDATE:

My abuser just got an incompetent to stand trial. Yet again, another let down and this one made me furious. I am furious because he lives on his own, pays his own bills, takes care of himself, drives his own car, goes to dinners with friends, goes to church, and runs his own errands… but yet he is too incompetent to stand trial. If he is incompetent, aren't I? I mean, I do all the things he does. I am so frustrated that no one seems to care about the truth or the fact that a person who has admitted to sexually abusing a 4 year old for 8 years is getting off scott-free. THIS is exactly why people who have been abused do not come forward. This man has admitted to abusing me 3 and all 3 are recorded!! Why isn't he in jail? Why is he allowed so many rights while I get none? Why does he get away with this? I feel that there is no justice in this world and people do not care about anyone else but themselves. I didn't come forward with all of this to just get re-victimized and hurt all over again. I didn't come forward with all of this to not get listened to and to not get some justice. I came forward so I could possibly help future victims. I came forward to help myself and those around me. I came forward so I could get justice and closure. And I also came forward with hopes of someday sharing my story. I wanted to share my story so that people would understand that this is a serious issue that has serious effects. With this, I felt it was my last chance to get heard. I appreciate you taking the time to read this...

Posted 3.10.08

29 years old in Pheonix, AZ
39 hours ago. It will always be Boulder, Colorado. It will always be snowing. It will always be March.

Powerless. Such incredibly vulnerability.

No means no—this illusion of power, like the words actually have substantive impact, like the word will actually change something.

I could have handled it better if I weren’t drunk.

Can’t get away from it—trapped.

Refuge in Dan’s room.

No—I do not want to do this. No, I’m in a relationship. No, this is not in my rules. No, stop touching me. No, you can’t do that.

My mistake—my vulnerability. My trust destroyed, not his.

I’ve never hated being a woman more.

This little bite of betrayed trust. This little bite of saying that I won’t believe again. That now I know, that I am convinced, that when someone says no, it only means as much as the other person feels like giving it.

I will snuggle with you, but I am not going to have sex with you.

You did it with other people.

You did it before with me.

I’m drunk.

Can’t escape him.

It is not rape. It is knowing that no doesn’t mean no. It is knowing that I can’t drink and trust someone else to take care of me. It is knowing that I can’t trust a friend alone. It is feeling trapped and powerless. It is knowing that I can’t leave when I want to. It is knowing what it is to be a woman and to be a vagina and to know that they are only mine at someone else’s whim.

It is feeling him touch me. It is me saying no, and him saying, “it’ll be our secret. We never had a chance to really snuggle before.” It is feeling him push against me while I’m passing out. And me saying, “I’m going to sleep. No. I have a boyfriend. I’m not going to do this” while he thrust against me and didn’t stop.

It is wanting to be a man.

It is running out of the room and him following me. It is not being able to escape him. It is running into Dan’s room and hiding under his covers hoping he won’t interrupt me there because he respects Dan. BECAUSE HE RESPECTS DAN.

It is feeling quintessentially female.

It is dreaming about him coming in and me not being able to change it. It is hoping that I’ll wake up if he walks in again.

It is knowing that I’ve drunk too much, and I led him on, and I let him in my room, and in my bed, and I said he could cuddle with me.

It is not rape. It is hatred of anything feminine in me. Hatred of anything female. Hatred of being a woman.

Posted 3.10.08

20 years old in Levittown, PA
To start from the beginning, I'm the product of a rape. My mother, a teacher, was assaulted when leaving work. It's been under a year since I found this out and I struggle with it everyday. It's hard to imagine a purpose when your life was given only after something was taken.

Then there's me. I was molested by my fifth grade teacher at my parochial school. I still can't think about that too much, it doesn't make sense. I think all the girls in our class were, and if not, I know at least three other girls were for sure. Only one girl told her parents, nothing ever came of that.

We were terrified of him, he was this huge beast of a man. None of us fought him off or told him 'no', out of fear of something worse happening. I remember all the boys thought he was amazing because he played hockey with them every Friday.

I never told my mom, only ever hinted at it once. She never brought it up again. I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing. Growing up I never knew I had been abused. I had no idea what he had done was wrong. It wasn't until college that I even realized, that yes, a grown man had molested me. I felt so stupid. I was nearly ten years before it sunk in. I don't know if that's a testament to our society or what.

That man now has a baby. A daughter, and I cry whenever I think about that because what if he does the same to her? What if because of my silence, my stupidity that his little girl suffers? That's the only I'm actually upset about.

I'm still so confused about my mom's rape and being molested myself. I just feel terrible for that little girl. I don't know her name and she's still only a toddler, but I'm sorry. Baby, I'm so sorry...

Posted 3.10.08

13 years old in Duluth, GA
At age 7, i was sexually assaulted by my uncle. It's all still i blur, but i clearly remember where it first started. The house I moved out of, about 4-5 years ago. I hated that house so much. In the upstairs bathroom is where he turned off the lights and inappropriately touched me. I was only 7, so that was about a year or two before the "my bodys no bodys body but mine" song that our school consuler taught us. Not knowing what to do i asked him why? I knew it felt wrong but why did it feel so wrong? Why did he keep on doing these things? He told me because that's what family members do when they love each other. Those words too are still a blur.

Age 7 I was still afraid of dark, before the inncident too. Ususally I would sleep with my brother, who i felt we were almost twins not from physcial apprience, but from the heart. Lying in bed with his lamp on we would talk about the random stuff we saw that day. Him only being 3 years older we felt like babies again. Just laughing away throught the day. When my uncle moved into our house, God knows why but he did. Everything was normal. He was a partner at my dads job. Family dinners you know. all that good stuff. im not sure when it started when he molested me. but it did. He would show me the most sickest magazines, or just leave them out so i would curiously look at them. Of course, being 7 and looking at the dirty magazines was just nothing. I'd laugh at how stupid the girls looked, then put the magazine away for good.

Since i slept with my brother at times, it was really werid having my uncle crash in his room. For a few days it was totally normal. Except one night, a few days after the bathroom inncident. I was asleep, obviously, when i felt something touch my lips. To this day i dont know what it is. I pray to God it was his finger. But in reality.. it sometimes isnt.

Now, almost 7 years later.. I'm not in denial. I know it happend and it wasn't my fault. Its tough. It was such a secret since he told me not to tell. Once i did i didnt know why it was so wrong. Thinking it was because he loved me i was so wrong. Reality struck me. I told my parents and they were in a state of shock. From then on it was a blur. Crying, heads hanging in shame and so much yelling. I was too young to understand. But now, I'm almost 14. My birthday is in around the corner. Its so werid. I feel awkward because i know someone so horrible knows how i look and feel. Its so disturbing knowing an older man knows me from the inside. It really hurts to be honest that he took my innocence. I would like to say he didnt take my virginity. He didn't though. It feels as if he did. A woman's body is so special. Its a gift from God basically. He violated me. He took the gift away. He introduced me to a dark world. Where its okay to touch. To take an innocent 7 year old girl and scarr her for LIFE.

I havent received any help, thought. I will soon. I'm finally talking about it too. Its really disappointing when something so damaging happends and when you remind your sister about it, she doesnt have a clue what youre talking about. My brother, i'm not sure if he knows but he will. Tonight i'm talking about it with my mom for one of the first times ever. Most of our talks are just short. And dont help much. Hopefully things work out and i do get help..

Posted 3.5.08

57 years old in East Longmeadow, MA
After all these years I have realized I have been a victim of abuse, in childhood and marriage. I have also become aware of the fact that I have Asperger's. Instead of blaming myself for being inadequate and, therefore, deserving the abuse, I finally feel validated.

Posted 3.3.08

22 years old in Montague, NJ
It was the second weekend of my senior year in college. A couple of girl friends and I we were having a girl's night out on the town. We went out to the bars near my college and were drinking, however I had a busy day the next day and I did not drink very much. Right before the bar we were at was closing, one of the girls I was out with ran into a man she had recently been on a few dates with. We ended up inviting him and his friends back to my apartment when the bar closed to have a few beers. I had never met any of them before, but they seemed like nice guys. It got very late, and I was tired, so after they were over hanging out for awhile I nicely asked if everyone could head out. They all had been drinking quite a bit, so my roommate and I offered to anyone that if they were too drunk to drive home crash to crash at our place until they were sober enough to leave safely. Only of the guys said that he was going to stay, and everyone else left and my roommate went to bed. I was searching for the blow-up mattress for him to sleep on since our couch is very uncomfortable when he asked if he could just sleep in my bed. It was after 4:00am and I had a big bed, and so I said yes but re-interated several times that nothing would happen between us when we went to bed. He said that he was fine with that so I agreed to let him sleep in my bed, as it would probably only be for a few hours anyway. I changed into pajamas in the bathroom and got into bed. A few minutes later when I was almost asleep, he rolled on top of me and started kissing me. At first I pushed him off me, then I gave in. We made out a little bit, then he started taking my pants off. I said no, but he did not listen, and he did not stop. He got on top of me and raped me. He finally stopped after what seemed like forever but in reality was probably only a few minutes of me saying stop over and over and pushing him on his chest. Right after he started freaking out and apologizing and bolted from my apartment. I pressed charges soon after, however, next week it will be six months since the I reported the assault and no legal action has really been taken. He refused to talk without a lawyer, and that is the last I have heard about my case. I have a feeling he will not be prosecuted, as the police has said it does not seem promising since he will not talk and without him talking there is basically no evidence than my word against his. I did get a rape kit done but it can only prove we had intercourse not that it was forced unless something he says to the police incriminates him. My investigator told me that even if nothing happens legally, at least I learned not to let strange men sleep in my bed despite what I do or do not intend to do with them, basically blaming me for letting him sleep in my bed and "sending the wrong signals" despite saying before hand nothing would happen and despite saying no when he tried to get on top of me! He said that even if my case went to court I would have a hard time convincing a jury since America stills sees rape as someone jumping out of the bushes and does not recognize acquaintance rape as rape. I feel that none of this is fair. Rapists walk among us everyday because apparently even the law is not always on the side of survivors. By breaking the silence, it is letting rapists and those facilitating rapists to know that IT IS NEVER OKAY to force sexual activity on an unwilling person, despite any previous actions of the survivor.

Posted 2.28.08

20 years old in Cobleskill, NY
I go to college and I never imagined something like this would happen to. It happened one night when I had been drinking, which normally is the case. I had never met the kid before this night. My friend was saposed to walk me back to campus, but she didn't. She left me with this kid by myself. We went back to my room because i needed a walk back and he came into my room. Then I then was getting ready for bed and he asked me if i wanted to have sex with him. I said no because I didn't know him that well and I dont have sex with random people. But then he began to make out with me, then he started ripping my clothes off. He then started to rape me. I just froze because i was so scared because i didn't know if he was violent. I had never been so scared in my life. It hurt me so bad that he did this to me without my consent. I hope he never does this to another girl ever.

Posted 2.25.08

in Eugene, OR
I woke up smashed in between the cold sheets with fresh sweat running down my back. My head throbbed and I was startled to feel him on top of me. "don’t worry, I almost done" unable to grasp the reality of the situation I feel back into the crumpled blanket, saying no no no, please, lets just.... "Don’t worry I used protection,” he whispered in my right ear as if it would have made it better. I fell back into the black consciousness I had been in all night. I woke up again; I don’t know how much time had passed by. I was curled in ball at the end of his bed, or someone’s bed. I slipped out of the uncomfortable situation and found my shirt and skirt scatted on the floor leaving everything else behind. What had happened? My aching body screamed at me for help as I managed to stumble home half dazed and more confused. When I got home I undressed in front of the mirror. There were bruises all on my inner thighs and dried blood on the back of my head or neck or somewhere. I lay down naked on the cold bathroom floor and began to cry. What had I done to deserve this?

Why am I telling you this story? Because I realized that socialization has hindered my actions in ways I never thought about. Rape is a crime that far too often written off and less then it is and women are made to feel like lesser beings because they were raped. Many rape victims believe they personally must have done something wrong, when in reality it is the institution of gender that has effected how genders act towards each other. Sociologists try to analyze why one rapes but because of its sensitivity, some believe there are false cries of rape, others do not report and there many who do not consider themselves a victim of rape. All in all, more needs to be done to educated society about rape. What it is, how it can be avoided and how to get help if you are victim. One never knows whose a victim, I myself am one of the untold stories, my rape was never reported.

Posted 2.22.08

20 years old in Conway, NH
around age 4 i remember a few details of i think rape..being told to “stay still and it will hurt a little...it will help you...you dont have to tell anyone”. my hands upon a bed and my feet flat on the floor. he was directly behind me. i cant remember if he was young/old, family member or not. but i do remember there being pain. i remember my parents coming home. and i remember being quiet.

around the same age i was molested by a female cousin who was around 12 years old. she had me undress completely and told me different positions to be in to “play this game”. i remember there was touching. my mother finally knocked then demanded the door to be unlocked...i wasnt fully dressed when she came in. the lights were flicked on so quick and i remember her scolding my cousin. dont know what happened later.

i think a male cousin put his hands on me in a sexual manner at a young age as well...im still trying to figure it out.

around 19 years old i drove to a triathlon camp to train for 3days. since i was the only young person, it was easy for me to drink for free during the couple of nights. a guy i trusted fed me beers and then a few of us took several shots of tequila. i was on medication at the time for depression & bi-polar disorder. blacking in and out some of the nite, i remember being in a corner..standing there. i opened my eyes, looked across the other corner of a handicapped bathroom to see another girl standing there with a man on his knees giving her oral. then i looked down and there he was...the guy who gave me my drinks...he was down on me too. my pants and underwear to my knees. i wanted to throw up. i pushed his head away from me. then we left the stall...then i remembered being picked up from the bathroom floor. i later learned that i had a seizure-like episode from mixing the meds/booze. he carried me back to my room and left me there with a bucket. hes a married man with children.

that same year i was drunk one night at my college campus where i met a boy. we went for a walk outside, then i just remember being on the floor of an elevator in my school building with him pulling my pants down. i blacked in and out some of that night, and i remember being found outside of my door sometime later by my roommate who let me in. the next morning i found a small spot of blood in my underwear. i was nervous. i confronted him and he said "nothing happened because we didnt have a condom". but i am still concerned about the moments that i blacked out. maybe he was actually telling the truth maybe not.

Posted 2.15.08

19 years old in Fredericksburg, OH
When I was 16 I had two best friends: Mike, who I’d known since grade school, and Jake, who I met in high school. We were an inseparable threesome, finishing each others sentences and with a million inside jokes.

One night, the three of us decided to hang out at Jake’s house. He’d been trusted with staying home alone while his parents were out of town for the weekend. Mike conked out early, but Jake and I watched TV way past midnight.

Just as I was falling asleep, Jake pulled me up and started to kiss me. I was surprised; we’d dated early freshmen year for a short period of time. I tried to pull away and panicked when I couldn’t.

Ash,” he said, his nickname for me, “Don’t tell me you don’t want this.”

Mike was a floor up and Jake outweighed me by sixty pounds.

I don’t remember most of it. But I do remember some painfully sharp details. The heat of him, how strong he was holding my legs apart, the moaning sounds he made. He didn’t use a condom; for months afterward I panicked, scared out of my mind of pregnancy.

Afterward, he held me tight, whispering things I can’t remember. When he finally fell asleep, I ran upstairs. I showered. There was blood on the insides of my legs and bruises on my throat, my wrists, my legs and scratches all over. I didn’t cry until I’d slipped into clothes and into the room where Mike was sleeping.

My best friend held me while I cried. He didn’t ask why or who or anything, just and cradled me in his embrace. Mike drove me home and tucked me in; he slept on my floor and I didn’t sleep.

The next day I told him what had happened. After kissing me on the forehead, he left. He beat Jake; he broke his jaw, several ribs and he got twenty-three stitches. I couldn’t file a report; I couldn’t tell my parents or break my life into pieces.

Before his family moved several states away, Jake dropped by my house. I started crying just as soon as I saw him.

He said, “Jesus, Ashley, calm down. You can stop the lies; I’m leaving. So you know, you’re my friend and you know I never would’ve hurt you. You ruined my life. After today, I never want to see you again.”

I’d never imagined I could’ve misjudged Jake. Mike is now my only best friend. He is my life support, my backbone, my other half. He is the only reason I survived that night of betrayal, of hurt. I am so lucky.

Posted 2.11.08

21 years old in Shippensburg, PA
About two years ago I was at a party with friends and I blacked out I have some memories of a boy I worked with ontop of me. I kept telling him "no" but he didn't listen. I got really depressed after this. I started abusing alcohol even harder and partying with friends more. Then I was at a party with a friend and this boy started touching me. I had learned some self defense so I twisted his arm around. Later when I was completely drunk him and a friend raped me. I just wanted to go home so I drove home in my intoxicated state just to get away. Thank God nothing happened. I just started talking to a few friends about a year ago. They keep trying to get me into counseling but I'm really scared to talk about it.

Posted 2.9.08

24 years old in New York, NY
It's been six years since i was sexually assaulted. It wasn't the only time she hurt me, but it was the time I finally walked away. I always forgave her: she had problems, she was herself a survivor, it was the drug/alcohol talking, etc. It was always easier to give her an excuse so I could feel like I was the strong one by "sticking through it" to support her.

As awful as that night and so many before it were, sometimes it's hearing people's responses to being told that a man was raped by a woman, that hurt the most. I get the comments (that women survivors get like you could have stopped it, why didn't you fight back, etc.) that deny me the little dignity I get to have at least for being a survivor. It hurts the most when it comes from people I'm supposed to trust: family, friends, therapists, etc.

My life changed because of Take Back the Night. Hearing someone speak made me realize that despite all of the pain, it's helping others that helps me along my journey of healing.

Posted 2.8.07

52 years old in Portland, OR
In July, 1997, after confronting my ex-husband about the pornography I found, he broke my neck three days later, leaving me quadriplegic at the time. We'de only been married about three months and yes, he had been physical with me prior to my broken-neck. Not only did this action leave me with physical challenges, but a short time later I was diagnosed with a severe mental illness that was triggered from the trauma.Like many victims of DV, I didn't cooporate with the District Attorney's office, but later took him to civil court and won a substantial judgement (he hasn't paid anything towards it and without financial backing it is hard to retain an attorney). Pursuing an education and taking feminist classes helps empower me, and i look forward to participating in PSU's TBTN.

Posted 2.1.08

43 years old in Tampa, FL
A little girl, in Pig tails and Lace hides under her bed, sqiunting her eys shut; biting her lip hoping that she has taken the form of death and dissapears from sight..Like a majic Trick..She is gone..Lost in a dark realm of her mind as innocence is swept away by sinful lust of a relative. Pretending to be a bird, outside of herself,soaring above the pain and disgrace.. not understanding why nor what is actually occuring. Numbed forever to what intimacy is really about. Never knowing how sex plays its part in conjuntion with Love. The years past and this little girl believes she is never good enough; good enough to be loved; to even exist. This little girl, trapped inside an adult body, never fully developing the essence of Womanhood. Never expressing herself, settling for less. Never getting a chance to play, to dream; for they all were shattered through years of sexual abuse, molestation, and sexual assualt; leaving a spiritually bankrupt shell. Where is she..This beautiful little girl..This little girl is and will always be Beautiful. For all the dragons she slayed and all the beast that have attacked her, she still is what God created. She is not at fault. It is not our fault. The time has come to Break The Sounds of Silence, Low Self esteem, accepting disrespect, feelings of selfworthlessness, not speaking out, for these are The Sounds of Silence. We are Love, Pure and Unheard..Silenced by the past, We find our Voice in each others strenght. You are Beautiful and Pure.

Posted 1.31.08

21 years old in Kansas City, KS
I was raped at age 15. I stayed silent until 19. I was afraid to tell anyone and when I finally did my fears came true. He was my boyfriend at the time. I told him NO and fought back only to be beaten. He held a knife to my throat. I was afraid for my life; but at the time I thought I loved him. We stayed together for another year and a half. When I broke it off, he threatened me and stalked me. I couldn't get rid of him. When I went to college I took a class about domestic violence and sexual assault. It was then I got the strength to tell. I went to counseling and pressed charges but he got off. Now I work in the field and have devoted my life to ending all forms of violence, especially against women and children. I'm a SURVIVOR. Remember-People do care and will help; you are not alone!

Posted 1.30.08

25 years old in Cumberland, MD
I needed a place to stay one night and a guy I was close friends with offered to help me out. There had been some attraction and we kissed for a while, but I told him no when he wanted to go farther than that. He threatened to hurt another friend of mine, and he did hurt me, forced me. And he was supposed to be my friend.

Posted 1.28.08

19 years old in Clarks Summit, PA
When I was 16 i began smoking marijuana. It never seemed like a big deal to me because it was never too often a hobby. The last time I did smoke pot, I did get sexually assaulted. I do not include this prelude to say don't do drugs or you will be sexually assaulted (though I do not encourage there use!), I say it so you may understand where I was mentally.

On this day, my friend Charlie called and asked me if i wanted to go drive and get high, and I willingly agreed. We drove around for a bit and found a field up on a hill to smoke. I was high when it happened.

I was lying in my seat when he reached over to me. I didn't like it. He told me to touch him and I said no. I asked him to stop and he refused. For what seemed like a lifetime he violated my body and forced me to perform oral sex on him.

I didn't cry while I was there. I didn't scream, not right away. Finally though I couldn't take it anymore and I did scream. I screamed and I screamed. I couldn't leave because I didn't know where I was and there were no signs of life visible.

Charlie did bring me home. He bought me an ice cream before going home even.

Charlie did everything except take my virginity but that was enough. I hadn't experienced anything beyond kissing before. And now I feared it. I feared Charlie. I feared drugs. I feared being alone with any man, though rapists and the such are hardly men.

I never told anyone about what happened until a year later. I thought what happened was my fault. I thought that if I hadn't been high, I would have been able to stop it sooner. But what happened was not my fault. Regardless of drug use, Charlie violated me and used my body without my consent. Drugs and alcohol for that matter are no excuse for sexual assault or rape, and they are not excuses to stay silent about the terrible experience.

Charlie never apologized. He never mentioned it. He had been one of my closest friends. But over time, I was able to come to terms with what has happened. Or rather, I am beginning to come to terms with what has happened. I have not told my family, and I do not intend to. I do not wish for them to have to imagine what I have gone through or bear the weight of this. But my friends they know. And my now boyfriend, he knows. And they help me through this. My friends have been there for me (since i told them) to listen to me, to let me cry. My boyfriend has done the same and took this news very seriously when I told him. He has always been exceedingly respectful of my body and never pushed me.

I still cry sometimes, 2 years later. I will never forget what happened that night and I hope Charlie doesn't either. I pray that Charlie never touches someone like that again. I have, though, come to forgive him or at least given up on holding a grudge. He has to live with the guilt and yes, I do have to live with the pain. But i pity him for the memory of that night, him knowing he inflicted so much pain on one person.

My story is nothing extraordinary compared to the others out there, but this outlet has let me let go of some of my pain.

And I thank you for listening to my story. And i pray, above all other things, that no girl ever goes through what I did, and that if she does, she knows it is not her fault and that she is able to right the wrong done to her.

Posted 9.20.07

28 years old in Kitchener, Canada
it was about 11 years ago when i left my parents home and decided to move in with my boyfriend at the time. it started out great but then it turned ugly..... he began to beat me and force himself on me on a daily basis. i was afreaid to turn to my parents because i know that they would pretty well say we told you so. in the end he put in the hospital for a week and i did end up charging him but he got off on a technicality. this really made me lose a lot of support in the justice system.... after that i have had night terrors ever since they have gotten better over the years but never completely disappeared to anyone else who has had something like this happen to them it is not your fault you did not ask for it. the only part that is horrible is that i wish the justice system would do more to help women who have been through what i have

Posted 9.20.07

Posted 9.19.07

16 years old in Sudbury, Canada
It has been a year and a month to the day that I was raped. Most people would not belive me at frist, because the person that raped me was my boyfriend at the time. Someone i trusted into my life violated me in a way that I thought no one could ever posibly understand. I lost friends when they heard about what happend, either they took his side, said i was looking for attention or just avoided me because they did not know how to aprotch me after werds. Thank god for me I had a few good friends that stood by me through it all. The guy was never convicted nor was he ever charged. Still to this day he harrases me, but I know I have sapport and people to help me through. at times i still have horrid flash backs and memorries, i still feel unclean and most of all like somthing was stolen from me. Tomorrow night I am taking part in my first ever take back the night march and i could not be more excited! I can not wait! I feel for the first time in a while like i have controle of my life back

Posted 9.18.07

19 years old in Pine Bluff, AR
JUST LIKE ANY OTHER DAY I WAS HEADED TO MY INTERMEDIATE ALGBRA CLASS AND THAT'S WHEN THE CLOUD COVERED ME. AS I GOT ON THE ELEVATOR I HEARD A VOICE, HOLD THE DOOR. SO ME BEING ME I DID IT WITHOUT QUESTION. THE GUY CAME IN AN WE SPOKE TO EACH OTHER IN A FRIENDLY MANNER . I ASKED WHICH FLOOR WAS HE GOING TO AND HE WAS LIKE I'M GOING WERE YOU GOING. SO I'M STARTING TO FEEL UNEASY AND NOW HE MOVING CLOSER TO ME WITH ME PINNED TO THE WALL . HE KEEP PUSHING BUTTONS SO THE DOOR WOULD NOT OPEN. HE JUST PRESSED HIMSELF AGAINST ME. I HOLLARED AND IT MUST HAVE SCARED HIM . SO HE LET ME GO WHEN THE DOOR OPENED. I WENT ON TO CLASS . I WAS IN PURE SHOCK . I FAILED MY EXAM BECAUSE I COULDN'T FOCUS. I WAS JUST BLANK . SHAKEN . I LEFT CLASS AND WENT BACK TO MY ROOM AND SHOWERED UNTILL THE WATER STUNG MY BODY. THE FEAR THAT I FEEL IS OVERWHELMING. I GOING TO DROP MY CLASS , BECAUSE AS THE YEAR GOES ON IT WILL GET DARKER QUICKER AND I CAN'T BE CAUGHT OUT BY MYSELF AGAIN. I AM CONSTANLY LOOKING OVER MY SHOULDER. KNOCKS AT THE DOOR A RINGING PHONE OR A INSENT TOUCH BY A FRIEND NEARLY SENDS ME OUT MY SKIN.

Posted 9.18.07

21 years old in Louisville, KY
Every woman on my mother’s side of the family has been a victim of sexual abuse. It was only ever spoken of once, when I was 8 or 9 years old. My mother told me of how she was abused by a trusted man in the community, as was her younger sister. My grandmother has lived in an abusive marriage since she was 18. I cannot tell you how this has affected all of our lives, however, I am telling my story for the first time. I had been seeing a guy I went to school with at the very end of the semester of my sophomore year of college. We lost contact throughout the summer, and one time I called him to see how he was doing. We were both moving into our first apartments, and we made a date to go see each others new apartments the first weekend we moved in, in august. We both were with friends of our own, and we met at his place. We then went to see my new place, and then he started trying to get me to be physical with him. I resisted, at first, then gave in slightly, then told him that was enough. We both went back to his place, where our friends were, and had another drink or two. I ended up going and laying in his bed, which he offered, when I was too tired to continue the night and shouldn’t have been walking alone back to my place in the middle of the night. He came in later, and we began fooling around. I told him what my limits were. He disregarded them. I remember him being on top of me and holding my hands down. I said no. After a minute or two I began to cry. He stopped when I cried. I got dressed and went outside to smoke a cigarette. Somehow, in my mind, it wasn’t rape. I told a friend and she suggested it was, and another friend asked if he hurt me, then told me it wasn’t. I disregarded it for a long time, and tried not to think about it until I read a story in a Women’s Gender class by Emilie Morgan, “Don’t Call me a Survivor.” I then realized even in a situation where we can play the “What if” game, if we say no, we mean no, not that we would like for you to change our minds. I cried that night. I called a sexual abuse hotline. The woman on the other end asked if I said no. She then asked why I would think it wasn’t rape. I said I didn’t know. How does one ever find peace, or justice? In certain situations, there is no physical evidence, nothing solid to report. Only he said/she said. That’s the hardest thing about it, I feel that I couldn’t have reported anything. He got married three weeks ago, and I am left here, a mess.

Posted 9.18.07

19 years old in Berea, KY
I was sexually assaulted on my college campus Spring Break 2007 by a co-worker. When I decided to take it to the Judicial Committee, I was told that my case would not last in any court outside of the school, so I was encouraged not to tell the police. Still being shaken up and wanting nothing more than to wake up from this bad dream, I did as I was told. But now, I have realized that I should never have been silent about what happened to me- this is something that everyone should know about. This kind of violence isn't something you just read about; it happens every day, to people you know and care about. Educate yourself and stand up so it doesn't have to happen anymore!

Posted 9.18.07

19 years old in Barrie, Candada
First of all it took me a long while to admit this happened let alone to accept that it was my fault. When I was 12 years old we got a new teacher in my class becuase our old one moved. He has a policy if we didn't do our homework that we had to stay in durning recess to finish it. One day I couldn't finish mine cause my granddad was sick in the hospital. When I got up to ask a question he pushed me up agesint the wall pulled my pants down and raped me. I waited 6 years to ever tell anyone and when I did they said they are not going to put criminal charges oon him because he is a teacher and they can not take my word over his. I am stronger than I was before. And sharing your stories help.

Posted 9.18.07

34 years old in Largo, FL
3 months tomorrow night. I am having these strange feelings. Feelings I avoid. I was raped by my friends brother after I was the bridesmaid at her wedding. I had my 3 month HIV test yesterday. It will be a month before I know whether or not my life will change more than it already did. I don't talk about this to my friends anymore. I think they believe I am over it. I think I lie to myself that I am over it. It is easier to be. I go to counseling, starting group, I go to work, take care of family, go to church, volunteer as much as I can, pray and read my Bible, am starting school. He drugged me and raped me and I got on a plane and came home. He resumed his life and I tried to pick up what was left of mine. It isn't right or fair. I read Phil 4, I trust God. I just sometimes get really sad.

Posted 8.24.07

17 years old in Timmins, Ontario, Canada
I had known him for years. He was a friend of my girl friends brother. It was a night full of laughs and should have been full of good memories, considering we were celebrating someones birthday. The night was cut off quickly, so I invited everyone over to my place. We drank, a lot. He told me he had nowhere to go, so I let him stay the night. I fell asleep. At six in the morning, I remember, things like that are always memorable. Of how the sun was starting to come up, yet it was dismal, well that's how it seemed. I looked at the clock as he came into my room. It was 6 am. I was hungover, tired and uninterested. He crawled into my bed, trying to pry my legs open. I laughed, saying no.. i'm too tired. He was forcing. Again "no!" I said. He didn't seem to understand. He tried several times to pry my legs open. I finally used some force and almost pushed him off the bed. "Well that's harsh" he said angrily. Then he laughed, the devils laugh, I thought. He pushed his weight onto me, held my body down with his. I was scared. "I don't want him to hurt me" I thought to myself. I won't let him hurt me. Silently, I lay there.

Posted 8.1.07

18 years old in Orlando, FL
You really never think it can happen to you. That its so far away, that it only happens to other people; people less careful. I was on a sailing trip with my family in the virgin islands and we had gone on a hike, three of us (my mother, sister and i) decided to hike down early. We were sitting at a riverbed when we were attacked by four men with a gun. One of them raped my sister, one beat up my mother, and the other two more put a gun to my head and raped me. Since then i have felt uncomfortable in wooded areas and just alone in general. My family urges me to talk to a psychologist about how it has affected me, but im still trying so hard to forget. I wish it had never happened so badly sometimes. The only positive part of the experience is that i hope i have brought the possibility of rape closer to those i have told. Maybe now they will be more protected and prepared. I cant even hear the word rape anymore without feeling sick. I have a tattoo on my lower back depicting strength that has helped me remember the strength i have had to overcome such a big obstacle. I carry a knife in my purse everywhere i go, the feeling of safety i once had is gone forever. I have a general feeling of unrest always now. I cant talk about it. I never want to again. But at the same time, i want to scream it from the hilltops. I have read some of the stories posted, it is a horrible crime that needs to stop! And im going to do all that i can to help that cause.

Posted 7.8.07

32 years old in Springfield, VA

I am an abuse survivor. I was three years old when the abuse started. I was adopted at the age of two and at the age of three the physical abuse at the hands of my adoptive mother started and shortly after this the sexual abuse at the hands of my adoptive brother and sister started.

The physical and sexual abuse continued until I was 14 years old. I was molested at the hands of my brother and sister repeatly. Almost on a daily basis I was molested and forced to perform sexual acts on them.

After being taken from the home I was also sexually assaulted at the hands of a foster parents son.

For a good portion of my remaining childhood years I didn't remember what happened to me because my brain blocked it all out, it was not until I was 18 years old that I remembered anything at all. Over the years I have remembered more of what has happened to me.

I have been recovering well from this. I recently decided that I want to have a national Rally here in Washington DC next year where all the survivors of sexual and physical abuse as well as rape can finally come together as one united community as well as our loved ones (friends and family) and get the attention on this issue that I feel there needs to be.

We have a month here and there for the child abuse awareness month or domestic abuse awareness month etc. However every other day I see these groups having these large rallys here in Washington DC to get attention to their causes, however I have yet to see an rally for the awareness for abuse victims.

I say it is time that we make the nation take notice and no longer put us in the dark and act like these things don't happen when every day it does to thousands of children and women and even men. I say it is time that we get the word out and we have a rally to get the attention of the world that we are no longer willing to be shoved in the dark.

Posted 7.5.07

16 years old in Star, ID

I was with a boy who i thought i was in love with unfortunatly, i was very very wrong. We had been dating for about two weeks when i noticed his behavior starting to change. He had always been agressive, but never toward me. Then he started yelling and hitting. He would slap me or punch my shoulder just stuff like that. One time he fought with me because he thought i had been cheating on him. I was so upset that he thought i had that i screamed back, so he broke my nose. That night i went home with my friends instead of him and i told myself i would never see him again. Then he came back and apologized and said it wouldn't happen again. I wanted to love and believe him so we hung out with him and his friends. Then he asked if i wanted to go back to his house and i hesitated but he said that his friends were going too so i decided it would be okay. I got there we were watching movies in his basement and he kissed me. Then he went to push me on my knees and i resisted. But he pushed back this time harder. i got up and went for the stairs and one of his friends grabbed me and threw me down. I was so scared i did not know what i could do. Then My boyfriend cameback and made me give him head it was horrible and scary. After that he made me give each of his friends head too they all pushed and shoved and finally i gave in. Then they all left but he wouldnt let me leave. I was so scared i went for the stairs again and he came back and picked me up and told me if i screamed he would kill me he took me back down and raped me. After that i stayed far away from him and to this day would never even see him again. I felt horrible and guilty for what happened sometimes i still think its my fault. But it made me aware and smarter now i have a wonderful boyfriend who is patient and understanding of he entire thing. Everygirl deserves someone like him no matter what anyone says you do not deserve to b hurt

Posted 7.2.07

21 years old in Boise, ID

I feel the weight of the world because I could not say. I could not because I choose to inhibit my abilities to make choices. I choose to drink. Every glass, each pitcher, that last cocktail, I choose yes. I could not say no because I choose to stay. As people went home, said goodbye its getting late, I choose to stay. Then when it was too late, I choose to go. I ran, got lost, and continue to run today.

I remember most of that night. October 19th, technically the 20th around 4am. But who is counting. I am. But the part that will haunt me forever will always be a mess. It will never be clear. I will not have the opportunity to learn what happened. I will never know.

What I do know is that somewhere in between the bathroom and the kissing I got lost. In my own head. Naked. Alone.

AWAKE.

Pressure. Just say nothing. Freeze. Goodbye Boise, hello Costa Rica. Its over. He's done. Finished. Quickly before anyone sees. Get dressed. No don't want to stay. Must go. Home. Away. Anywhere but here. Yeah sure, call me. Again, no problem. Purse. Keys. Shoes. Purse. Where is it. Need it now. PURSE. Bye. Away.

Calling, miss you, love you. Things are great. Texting. Can I crash there.

Lost. Driving...

Finally. Couch. Sleep...

I could not say no. But I could say never again. Not to me not to anyone. At times I question my decision. Did he know what he was doing? Probably not. Or maybe he did. I will never know that answer. And that will have to, to be alright. If he did not know, then maybe I have protected someone else from what I went through. Maybe next time that same situation come up he will say no. Or if he did know what he was doing. If he knew, maybe he will think twice. Or maybe not. But I did my part. I did what I could. I did nothing wrong!

I DID NOTHING WRONG!!!

Posted 7.1.07

16 years old in Loveland, CO

When I was 4 or 5 years old I was molested in my churchs bathroom by a man whose face will not leave my mind. He told me my parents were mad at me and they prayed to god to punish me. He told me that I was a bad little girl full of sin and I needed to be cleansed. All I remember after that was going back to the childrens room and crying and asking for my mom. After that I never wanted to leave my mom even for a few seconds. When i was around 9 I was molested again by a 20 something guy who was living with some of my parents friends. I was at a birthday sleepover and he came up to me and started touching me and I pretended to be asleep. I've kept these secrets for so long. I don't know how to tell my friends or family. I feel alone. There are girls at my school who go around telling anyone and everyone that they were raped or something like that. I don't understand how anyone could go around telling stories like that just for attention. I've never felt secure and I don't have any respect for myself. I just wish that none of that ever happened to me or anyone.

Posted 6.17.07

18 years old in St. Louis, MO

I was raped by my friend's boyfriend. He was sleeping on the floor next to my bed and in the middle of the night he pulled me off the bed and pinned me to the floor and forced me to have sex with him. He was too strong for me to fight against and he covered my mouth so I could barely breathe. I was so afraid he would hurt me I just let him get it over with. My friend wants to marry him and I hope with all my heart that she realizes how terrible of a person he is before it's too late.

Posted 6.13.07

16 years old in Brooklyn, NY

i have had the most terrible experience of my life this happened at the time of my life where i was already stressed from my exams coming up. my school teacher had offered maths lessens and that a male classmate would bring me to his place on thrusday.however school overed early that day and i was pursuaded by my classmate to go by my teacher`s house even though my teacher wasn`t there.i was fooled by his calm and harmless character and went against my better judgement we stood in the corridor of the apartment complex in front of my teacher`s door we spoke and laughed as normal and eventually began to "wild play" then someway between all of this he held my wrist and pushed me pinning me on a near by wall and was grinning his private against mine and breaking noticable hard in my ears at first i assume he was joking but when i realised my physical resitence wasnt working i began begging him to release his grip but he calmly replied "relax yourself" in all my attempts to get him to stop he proceeded mercilessly he lift me to a washing machine to our left and rested me on it at this point i panicked and begged even more this time either ending or starting with his name eg. Grant stop!, no Grant! but he responded to this by assualting me after he was over he went back to normal my teacher arrived home and i sucked it up as much as i could and we had lessons as normal even though at some point he had the audacity to ask what was wrong i was so shocked that my own classmate of 3yrs and schoolmate of 5 would have done this to me a week later i had to muffle these feelings and do my exams all six of them.i was phsically and emotionally stressed but made it through with the help of my boyfriend and conseling that im taking up to now because it only happened abouta month or so ago however hope i help readers to see that it doesnt always have to be a strange but one as close as a class, work or school mate.dont be like me and think it cant happen to you or underestimate the strenght and ability of anyone especially if you dont know them personally and rememder it isnt your fault even though i found out indirectly that my attacker claimed it wasnt his fault and things just got out of hand.dont let it define your life

Posted 6.6.07

25 years old in Portland, OR

I don't know where to begin..you always think that the only way you can be raped is in a dark alley by a stanger. Never in a million years did I imagine that the person whom I had trusted, looked up to and valued highly as a big brother could hurt me such as he did. May 25, 2000 my life changed for ever, my carefree nature ripped from me just like my soul..I told myself it wasn't him it was the alcolhol, he doesn't know what he is doing, if he only knew my hurt and what he was doing..no this just wasn't him, i cry out NO! numerous times, with no reaction to my fits of battle. The only reaction I got was a pillow in my face to muffle my cries. I was ruined from that point on unable to watch my favorite movie still this day but my outlook on life is better I understand what happened was not my fault and out of my control. Don't let rape define who you are , define your life by the love you have inside. find you life your love and your light. There is light at the end of the tunnel..

Posted 5.25.07

24 years old in Memphis, TN

I met what I thought was the love of my life in High School. We got married after I graduated and He joined the Military. When he told me that he got stationed in Germany I was excited becuase I had never left Memphis Tn. After I arrived in Germany everything about him changed he started to tell me that I would never leave him and that I belonged to him. For about two years I was Physically, Mentally and Sexually abused by him. He used to go out and drink with his friends until all hours of the night. When he would come home he would wake me up make me pleasure him and then proceed to Sexually assualt me. The only reason I never reported it is becuase we where married and I was so young that I believed him when sayed that noone could help me. After about 2 years of never seeing my family and friends I went home on vacation. That was where I think I gained the strentgh to fight back. I returned to Germany where my husband was living and I began slowly documenting everytime he hit me or everytime he sexually abused me. I had gained some extremely close friends through the years of living there and I have to say that if it was not for them I don't think I would be alive today. To make along story shorter I finally left my Husband and got a Divorce. But I will never get rid of the scares that he inflicted on my body, my mind or my heart. He cost me years of my life and two children. Never say that you can't find happiness cause I did after I got my dvorce I met up with one of my friends that I had made in Germany and we began dating and soon after we got married and now we have a beautiful 2 year old boy and about to have an even more beautiful little girl. So Just keep trying to break free and you will find happiness.

Posted 5.13.07

16 years old in Edgewood, KY

my step cousins had just died in april of 2005, i was out all night on a shopping spree with my best friend, and when i got home i found out my step cousin would be staying the night. it was time for me to go to bed and i thought that my step cousin lenny would be sleeping down stairs on the couch, so i left my room and went to the upstairs living room and he was watching tv so i decided that i would watch tv with him he had it on some show with hulk hogan and then he kept switching the channel back to south park (i hate south park!) and on parts that he thought was funny, i didnt laugh because i thought that it was stupid and discusting. so he said to me "if you dont laugh i am going to bite your tit." i obviously didnt find that funny so i didnt laugh and he bit me. i was a little scared and about to leave and he said "you didnt laugh" and then he said "if you dont laugh i am going to bite your lips, and i dont mean the lips on your face." i was about to cry because i didnt know why he would say something like this to me. I didnt laugh and he bit me. then he pushed me up on the couch and positioned me and wouldnt stop touching me and he pulled my shorts and my underwear to the side and said "this will feel good" i was so scared i could not move, talk or anything. when he was done he asked me if i would have sex with him, i shook my head no, i couldnt get any words out. he said "fine! i guess i will just go finish myself off then!" i rolled off the couch and onto the floor and cried until i fell asleep.

Posted 5.11.07

? years old in Boone, NC

It was my 19th birthday and I couldn't wait to celebrate with my friends, I had just finished my first year of college track and I felt like I had a lot to celebrate. So my friends and I decided to go out and party. I remember drinking far too much in my room and then I remember waking up naked next to someone I barely know. I was and hopefully still am a virgin, and waking up in such a vulnerable sickening way was the worst feeling of my life. I went to the hospital that morning for awnsers. I waited nine hours in the emergency room until an emotionally diattached doctor finally performed a pap smear. The procedure itself was shameful, and I could not gain ahold of my emotions during it. After the procedure, the doctors were not able to give me any clear awnser whether or not there was actual penetration. There was definately digital penetration, but it was not determined whether or not I was raped. I feel so hopeless I do not have the awnsers I need to feel satisfied or to gain back my dignity. Reading others stories is helping me cope with my problems. You all are so strong to endure what you have and I have tremendous respect for anyone who has endured any form of sexual assault. I write this to other girls who believe that this can not happen to them. My friends were at the party with me, this CAN happen to you please do not believe you are invicible. You are strong and beautiful, but not invicible. I have believed I was invicible my entire life until now, trust me this is not the way to learn your own limitations. Learn from other's mistakes, I wish I had it would have

saved a lot of pain and a harsh reality.

Posted 5.1.07

17 years old in Orlando, FL

I was molested at the age of 11-12 for a period of about 6 months. I relieve that time of my life on daily basis. It has impacted my life in so many ways. Only a few people know that I was molested. I never told my parents. and until about 5 months ago no one knew what had happened. I'd never talked about it, but then I met a friend who told me what had happened to her and I opened up about what had happened to me. She gives me courage to deal with things because I know that I'm not the only one that's going through this and before her I didn't know about anyone else who'd been a victim of sexual abuse. I think it's really important to have someone to talk to about what happened and about how you feel, especially after nightmares and flashbacks. I'm glad that I've found a couple of people to talk to because it makes it easier to get through the day. I know that what happened will always be a part of me, but I don't want it to define who I am anymore. I want to become a survivor, not a victim.

Posted 4.26.07

18 years old in New Albany, OH

My boyfriend and I had been dating only about 5 weeks. I was house sitting for my friend and on our way to the mall one night, I stopped to feed her cats. He came in with me. As I turned to walk downstairs after feeding them, he turned me around, kissed me and told me to come into the bedroom. I told him I didnt want to but he kept saying it and demanding it and he pushed me in. He was well aware that I suffer from Fibromyalgia which makes me weak and I had no strength to fight him off. I didnt report it. I thought I was pregnant but when I confronted him he denied it all and threatened to even hurt the baby. I ended up not being pregnant but sometimes I really wish I would have reported it.

Posted 4.26.07

52 years old in Oneonta, NY

40 years ago, when i was 12 yrs. old, i was approached by a man in his early 20's who asked me if i wanted a ride on his motorcycle. Being a young, trusting individual, i was anxious to take him up on his offer. We went on a dirt road, way out in the hills, where he took me to a hidden cabin and raped me. That was in the 1970's and the tendency was to cover that sort of thing up. After all these years, i was walking home one night in our small town and a young man approached me and said "it's not safe for you to be out here alone, i'd better walk you home." Once we reached my home, we said goodnight at the bottom of my front steps and i turned to enter my home. As soon as i opened the door, there he was, right behind me, and forced his way in with me, and attempted to rape me... after enduring a lot of violence, when i said my son lived upstairs and tried to call my son, he fled. So, not only did i experience the horrifying ordeal once as a young woman, i then re-entered the same Hell as a grown woman.

Posted 4.25.07

22 years old in Chicago, IL

I was 20. I remember getting into a fight with my dad and needing to get away. My friend and I went to a restaurant and soon became enticed by our attractive waiter. I allowed myself to focus all my energy on him instead of my abusive father. My friend and I went back with 2 waiters to his house. I remember taking shots. I remember the layout of the house. I remember the couch he led me to. I remember the naseau I felt each time he kissed me with his whisky-filled tongue. I remember blacking in and out. I somewhat remember my friend coming into the room and him getting off of me. The next thing I remember is being at the vacation house, becoming sober, and feeling sore (I was a virgin). Panic, confusion, shame, fear. I had no idea what had happened. At that point I was not strong enough to deal with the situation and forced it into my subconscious. I told myself I was still a virgin and began a new day. It was not until 3 years later and I watched a documentary on sexual assault that I am beginning to remember the night. I feel that I was violated. I could not say no, I was half unconscious and unaware of anything. But at the same time, I still feel shame and blame myself for putting myself in that situation. This is the first step I am taking in my road to recovery....

Posted 4.25.07

32 years old in Mooresville, NC

The summer between my freshman and sophomore year I was a victim of date rape. For a long time I blamed myself and sometimes I still play the "what if" game and think about all the signs I ignored. None of that matters because "NO" will always mean "NO" and there is nothing that makes it right.

I met Dylan a few weeks earlier at a wedding that I was working at and he invited me to go our afterward. We went out a few times because it was a long distance thing, it was perfect after getting out of my high-school sweetheart long-term relationship that had ended badly.

It was double date with my best friend, Ashley, and Dylan's roommate. I

wanted her to meet Dylan and he wanted to set John up. We all went out to dinner and then we went dancing. The guys were in town for the and

staying at a nearby hotel.

Earlier that day the guys had played golf while Ashley & I shopped and had lunch. We joked about how this must be what life would be like

as married couples. The guys drank beer all afternoon on the golf

course and the festivities continued through dinner and the dance club at

the hotel.

We all went up to the room from the dance club so the guys could drink

some more beer. Ashley and John went back to the club and left Dylan and I in the room.

Dylan and I started fooling around a little, but he was making me feel

very uncomfortable and I tried to make him stop. It was like he wasn't

even there and I was with someone else. Like he didn't see me, couldn't

hear me. I tried to fight him off, but he was too big, too strong. His eyes were so cold, so empty, soulless.

After it was finally over, he acted like it never happened and actually

had the nerve to ask me "What the hell is wrong with you?"

Ashley and John got back to the room not long after and Ashely could tell I was upset. I played it off and told her I was missing my ex. She

seemed satisfied by the answer and it took me several months to tell her

any different.

I still wonder if I did the right thing by not reporting the rape. I see what happens to girls that do report it and so many people either look at them differently or assume